by Ali Ashton
A cross between "Welcome to Atlanta, where the Playa's
Play," and "The Freaks Come out at Night"
pretty much sums up my idea of dating in Atlanta. It's safe
to say I have experienced my fair share of player's, but we
cannot forget those ever so charming idiots that baffle us
women as well. Lets face it, we owe these "freaks"
some sort of accolade for leaving behind such great memories
and stories to share with friends! Therefore, I dedicate
this story to all the buffoons I have met thus far!
I know, I know, you aren't supposed to go out to clubs or
bars expecting to meet Mr. Right or at the
very least a Mr. He Will Do For Now. After all, it's obvious
twenty and thirty-something's partake in Atlanta's nightlife
on a semi-regular, if not regular, basis. So, where else are
we supposed to manhunt? The far-fetched fairy tales of
meeting a husband while both simultaneously reaching for the
same cantaloupe in a grocery store just don't happen nearly
as much as they used to. Ladies, don't play dumb. You know
exactly what fairy tales I'm talking about, too. The one
where velvety hands rub up against each other, eyes meet and
it's love at first sight in the fruit section. Blah, blah
blah...it just doesn't cut it for me.
The stories that I tend to walk away with usually involve a
lethal combination of loser, jackass and idiot
characteristics men seem to have duct-taped to their
foreheads. For instance, I was introduced to a guy one night
at a bar in Buckhead, we will call him Joe (in lieu of Joe
Millionaire, since he, too, looks like he has the brains of
a pigeon). Joe initially interested me with a witty
personality, aspiring goals and an adorable British accent.
We exchanged contact information at the end of the night and
we e-mailed throughout the week getting to know each other.
The next Saturday night rolled around and he met me out in
Midtown with my friends. I thought this was safe since I
would be with my crew. Not only did I have the home field
advantage, but I also had a getaway car all gassed up and
ready to roll.
Get this! Joe not only lost his aforementioned British
accent, but also established an interest in nibbling on my
arm. The night went on and thank goodness his personality
never dwindled. We got into a conversation regarding his
family and I learn his mother is from Borneo, Malaysia. This
is different and interesting in my book, until we dug a
little deeper. Joe's mom apparently has roots from a
cannibalistic background. Mind you, he was just nibbling on
my arm!!! (Note to Self, if he sprinkles salt or pepper or
any condiment for that matter anywhere on your skin, run
like hell and get out of here!)
No, no.... It's not over yet!! Most women would end the
night right there out of pure lack of interest or insanity
due to his antics, but I thought there was still something
to be unveiled about this guy. We met up one more time,
again with my friends for safety purposes. I finally got to
meet his roommate and the roomies' girlfriend, who seemed
completely normal compared to this wisecracker. After a
drink, and already feeling the need to ditch Joe, I turn my
head to a complete surprise! Remember I am not at Cirque du
Soleil here, but Joe is making his way to the floor to
perform a trick for us. The SPLITS!! In a BAR!!! Not only
was it a bar that will ruin your pants with party gravy,
broken glass and potentially someone's dinner on the floor.
Never mind that. I have to seriously question any guy who
does gymnastics this day in age. Before I could applaud him
for being able to touch his "assets" to the floor,
I made my way to the bathroom to plan my escape route. That
was his grand finale in my book!
A few suggestions for those unattached men (and even women)
1. Never perform acrobatic stunts in public areas, unless
you truly are a clown or in the Olympics.
2. Don't fake accents.
3. Nibbling on arms of someone you barely know is creepy
enough, especially if they explain their past family
heritage consists of eating body parts.
Please feel free to make comments, suggestions or tell your own personal stories to Ali at